To Whom It May Concern;
Sasori-no-danna told me to write back to you all back at the base to report mission status. I don't know who is going to read this letter, but either way:

Mission status: fine.

There. We all good?

-Deidara

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Deidara;

I passed the message to Leader-sama for you. Normally, you know, Zetsu would be doing this shit but he's... off being Zetsu... like you do that thing that you blondes do? So I'm in charge of answering the mail for now.

-Hidan

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Hidan-

...what are you implying? "That thing that you blondes do...?" Are you calling me stupid? Fuck you. At least my hair's not the same color as my father's.

-Deidara

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Blondie-

So what if I am implying something? I'm just saying, you blondes are fucking weird sometimes. You look like a chick, man. I'm just saying.

-Hidan

P.S. Shut up about my hair. It's a lot better than yours is, anyway.

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Dear Asshole,

Fuck you in the ass. With a spoon. and Kakuzu's tentacles.

I do not look like a chick. I'm NOT a chick. Ask Sasori. He'll tell you.

(...Deidara's a guy, Hidan..)

See, told you!!

-Deidara who is a guy

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Deidara who is not a guy-

I don't want to know how Sasori knows your gender. I always knew he was screwing you behind the Akatsuki's back! Which is fucking nasty, by the way. Sasori's like... twice your age. He's like 40 for Jashin's sake. That makes him a pedophile.

-Hidan

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Dobe-

Sasori is not screwing me. I'm screwing Sasori. Get your facts right, you retard. Sasori's 32. I'm 25. That's not pedophilia. Again, you retard with the shitty hair.

Be nice or I'll tell Kakuzu that your hair has those oh-so nice waves in it when it's not gelled to the consistency of steel.

-Deidara

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Dear blonde bitch,

...I will not ask how you got that information on my hair. I will, however, proceed to bet the shit out of you once you and your boyfriend get back. And then make fun of you for being a seme who has to jack off with the hands on his mouths.

-Hidan

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To the jackass-

...I've only done that ONCE and you know it. It doesn't work like you think it does. The little bastards have sharp teeth. Asshole.

At least I AM seme. You are.. you are nothing. You are the dude with the greasy gray hair who worships a triangle.

Enclosed is a photo of the base my uke and I took over. Enjoy the blood.

-Deidara

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Deidara-chan,

I'm going to ignore the comment you made about Jashin-sama and my hair and instead focus on the photo.

First question- was it necessary for you to flip me off with BOTH hands?

2. Was it necessary for Sasori to have been half-naked when he took the picture?

3. Where the hell did you get a camera?

-Hidan-sama

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Teme,

1. Yes.

2. Yes. He's sexy, ne?

3. I found it on a dead guy. Fuck you.

Tell Leader-sama that we'll be back next wednesday. Sasori and I are rather enjoying ourselves out here but don't tell him that we're doing nasty things.

Please.

-Deidara-seme

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Dickhead,

...you find a puppet sexy? I have to question your taste in men. Or rather not, because that's fucking ew.

Leader-sama wants to know if the mission got any trouble. I assume not, since you guys are rather dragging your sore asses back here and taking your sweet-fucking-time, aren't you?

Fuck you blondie.

-Hidan

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Dear moron,

Stop calling me blondie. Or I'll call you Curly. Around Kakuzu. Then we'll see who gets the last laugh when I humiliate you in front of your oh-so-NOT-the-guy-you-have-a-thing-for.

Tell Leader-sama that the mission went fine and is still going smoothly. The base is secured and there's almost nothing here.

-Deidara

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YOU-

I DO NOT LOVE KAKUZU, OKAY?! I DON'T, DAMMIT! STOP SAYING THAT. WOE-BETIDE-YOU IF HE FINDS THAT LETTER YOU SENT, BECAUSE I FUCKING LOST IT.

By the way, Konan says hello.

You'll also be pleased to know that I bought a hair-straightener. Ha ha. Now who'll have the last laugh?

-Hidan

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Dumbass-

I have straight hair already. I don't need to laugh.

-Deidara

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Deidara-

I hate you.

-Hidan

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Hidan-

I'm telling Kakuzu you love him once we get back.

-Deidara